I like to read. As part of my bedtime routine, I read easy light fiction, often stories for children. I make a point of this, so that I go to bed thinking mostly carefree thoughts. It works for me.

In any case, I started reading The Anti-Book by Raphael Simon last night. (spoilers) In this book, the main character is a rather grumpy 12 year old who is frustrated and sad and generally wants everyone and everything to leave him alone. He ends up with a book, an anti-book, where everything he writes in it disappears. He immediately writes the names of specific bullies, and his dog, and his family, and all sorts of things that he has found irritating. At first, he is jubilant - not having to deal with all of the things and people that you normally have to deal with. The story goes on from there. I hope it all works out in the end, but I haven’t finished the book yet.

But, it gets me thinking. What is in my anti-book? If I had an anti-book, what would I write in it?

I have spent quite a bit of time today thinking about this, and everything that I consider putting in there doesn’t work. I mean, I don’t really have the strong feelings of a preteen. I originally thought I’d put hate in there.

HATE

I sure would like that to go away. But, when I start to dig down, almost all hate is prefaced on fear. Oh, boy, well, I don’t much care for fear either, it causes so much pain, which I could also do without.

HATE
FEAR
PAIN

Alas, I think we need pain. It helps us to learn. It helps us to empathize when others are suffering. Perhaps also remove all suffering, that sounds good. Honestly, I am not sure if pain is included in suffering - but maybe if we get rid of suffereing, but keep pain, we still get the ‘ouch! I burned myself’ pain but we don’t get the ‘I can not breathe’ kind of pain.

HATE
FEAR
SUFFERING

I look back on the times when I have grown, when I have made hard choices, and I think there was suffering involved. I don’t like it, but I think we need it. Oh, phooey. In buddhism, there is the concept that all suffering is caused by unmet expectation. I 100% believe this (after basic needs of food and shelter). Nevertheless, I still sometimes set erroneous expectations. Especially of what I am capable of doing. Making those mistakes in expectation is hard, sure, but it also leads me to give others more grace. Perhaps we remove needless suffering?

HATE
FEAR
NEEDLESS SUFFERING

I settled on these for most of the day, until I realized that love is generally a bond that depends on fear. We must face the conflicting fears of rejection and never knowing in order to love. Love is in spite of fear. Without the fear of loss, we maybe are not really loving. It’s not really a verb in that case, right?

So, I think I am back to only keeping hate and needless suffereing in my anti-book. And even that concerns me. I cherish love, but love drives as much bad behavior as hate, likely fuels it. Does not the warrior fight for love and not for hate? The death and destruction they cause is the same. Is it fair to say that removing hate from the world would make it better? Would the world end up with more apathy? Is apathy giving us anything good?

HATE
NEEDLESS SUFFERING
APATHY

Ok. That’s where I am landing tonight. I would like a world without hate and without needless suffering and without apathy.